Traditionally, guys are not exactly burdened with the sort of beauty expectations women are. Being a member of the male patriarchy that clearly established such unwritten rules does mean I’d be a special kind of moron to comment on them too directly – but I do think there are a few tips I can offer to make things at least a little easier. Just don’t go abusing them, OK?
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THE BAD HAIR DAY
It might be the weather, it might be the humidity, or it might just be payback for using that cheap, 3-in-1 free sample from the mall, but a bad hair day can turn any gal into a Roseanna Danna-recluse. (Google it, children!)
Guy Tip: Get a ball hat and cram that hair down, even if it shoots out the side. Add in some jeans or jazzy leggings (plus a great pair of flat kicks), and you’ve turned your psycho-frizz into the sort of I-don’t-care cool that gets attention.
PUFFY EYES
OK, you stayed up way late and partied far too hard. Now the windows to your soul look less like you and more like the Dickensian caretaker from some 19th century cemetery. You need a quick fix, and makeup ain’t going to cut it.
Guy Tip: Sunglasses! Make it a Bono day and wear your shades indoors and out. Don’t take them off for lunch, dinner, or even the bathroom. Sure, you might get tagged as a stuck-up b*&^% but that’s better than looking like you should be sleeping in doorways.
HUGE FOREHEAD ZIT
Everybody gets seduced by the deep fryer now and again. Add in extra rich wings plus a bucket of margaritas and the pimply eruption was only a matter of time. But did it have to come right before the big meeting?
Guy Tip: Forget about trying to conceal it. Grab the largest, loudest Band-aid you can find and hide your shame. Then, channel your inner Brian Williams and regale folks with talk of the titanic battle you fought for the cab and the injuries you sustained. Not only does it make you more interesting but slightly dangerous too.
HIGH-HEEL PAIN
How does a woman combat the sort of brain-bleeding pain that accompanies only the wickedest of high heels?!
Guy Tip: Act like a TV host. Watch them in their sky-high stacks. They are almost always sitting down. Or getting up only long enough to move somewhere else and sit down again. Perch on desks, tables, lunch counters, fountains, whatever it takes to get through the day. No one will ever notice you sitting – all they’ll see are the killer heels you may actually survive wearing.
BAD BREATH
You might have the best oral health imaginable but mix the wrong combination of coffee, lunch, and a snack, and you’re firing a blast of dragon breath that could melt a bank vault.
Guy Tip: Deny it all you want, but now is exactly the right time for the candy cane that’s been lodged at the back of your desk drawer for five years. That chewy mess of Paleozoic peppermint is the only thing between you and a solid two weeks of no direct eye contact from anyone.
A FAT DAY
When putting on clothes feels like applying Saran Wrap, you know you’re having a fat day. When your belt is so tight it hurts but you’re actually naked from the waist down, you know you’re having a fat day. You get the picture…
Guy Tip: Turn “fat day” into “jersey day.” Get your fave sports jersey and pop it atop whatever t-shirt/sweats combo you can actually fit yourself into. Explain that today is some team milestone or other, and that as a true fan you have to wear your jersey in support. No one will question it, and you even get a free day to eat whatever you want.
SHAVING FAIL
You were in a hurry and now that dark patch of thatch under your kneecap stands out like a goatee on Taylor Swift.
Guy Tip: Grab a thick pair of knee-high socks and pull ‘em up high. Folks will dig the sexy look and never suspect the prickly mess that lurks beneath.
A BROKEN NAIL
The manicure was totally worth it and your nails looked amazing, at least until you got impatient trying to open the new stapler. Oops!
Guy Tip: Immediately grab a Sharpie of a similar color and fill in the broken edges. Then, for the rest of the day keep your hands moving like a street magician. You could have a pylon-orange pinkie and no one would ever know.
By Jarrod Thalheimer
